Just a few months ago I broke up with my boyfriend and it has been really tough, especially since he won't let go. I know I should tell him to back off, but I don't want to hurt him. And his little sister, she's so young, my heart would break if I never saw her again or if she hurt because of something I did. Also I'm a coward and really selfish. The people who know me say I'm too nice, but the truth is far from it. A good example is that I let him buy tickets to Yukicon, take care of the food and buy me a quite expencive figurine. And that's just that one day. I wish I wasn't so selfish, that I wouldn't use him like that. I'm so weak and I hate it.
I moved into a hospital in the beginning of December, and I am currently living there. I might get transferred to a another unit that is more independent, I'd have my own room and I'd help with grocery shopping and making lunch etc. If I'm lucky I'll spend a year there, if not it could go to who knows how many years. And it's really expencive, so it would be really bad financially. I would have literally next to nothing money to use, which would not only mean I couldn't buy new books, clothes and stuff, but neither any kind of food. And this is the good scenario if I get more income from Kela. I really want to go to work, so much, but I can't even go to the groups at the hospital without getting really tired. Also I sleep way too much, which turns into a problem when I won't wake up in the morning and miss breakfast. If I can't get up in the morning, no way I could maintain any kind of work.
At the moment I'm also sick, slight fever, horrible head ache, coughing, throat ache and I feel natious. These are the main reasons I haven't posted. There's a computer at the hospital but I haven't had any pics so I didn't want to make a boring post. I decided to make this though so my blog wouldn't be completely dead and I feel like talking! So yeah.... the unit I might move into doesn't have a computer for the patients nor do I have my own lap top, so posting will be extremely hard.... I haven't felt much like posting anyway since I haven't had much good happening recently. I haven't met my friends almost at all, which I hate but I can't go out when sick, I don't have money for bus which makes it hard to meet at town, and the hospital makes it really hard to do much anything so I haven't had the guts to ask them....and I feel so depressed and all so often, I don't want to only talk to them when I feel bad and want to talk, but I have so rare good moments that that makes it hard to talk to them at all.... I don't want to pretend everything's okay when it's not, 'cause I don't want to lie or make them feel I don't care about them, but I don't want to sulk through a meeting either.... I hate my weakness and stupidity, I hate that I'm in this condition, I hate the most that I can't even send some of my dearest friends a stupid text message 'cause I'm afraid. I'm so afraid all the time, about everything and I don't know who I can talk to. I seriously don't know what I can do. Of course I keep pushing on, and I can't even imagine suicide, but it feels really bad and I just want to break down and cry. But I can't do even that. I keep pretending, sometimes even to myself, and I can't drop the act. I just wish it would get better.
Sorry about this rant, I didn't mean to, I just started writing and this is what happened.... At times like these I guess it's good not to have millions of readers.... And people always say you'll regret if you post something personal to internet, but I don't see how this would do so. Depression and psychotic symptoms are something I didn't choose, I can't change them and hiding them wouldn't do any good. If people will trash talk me and stuff 'cause I have a mental disease I feel sorry for them.
But yeah, now's a good time to stop and go get ready for bed. Sorry for this, and I really hope you're all doing well!! The thought that there are people who are happy makes me just a little bit less sad.
