Bitches I hope you know

No pictures 'cause I don't have a good enough computer and only in English 'cause I'm lazy and don't want to translate!

I've been down with the flu for 5 weeks now and it keeps getting worse and worse, but I got antibiotics on Wednesday so hopefully they'll help! Have to go to work either way;;
I've also read a lot! Right now reading Trudi Canavan's The Magician's apprentice which seems really good!
Looking forward to Christmas!! Spend a LOT on presents and gonna spend a lot more XD There'll probably be nothing left for me....but I love buying and giving presents!

Things I'm into right now

-Hollywood Undead
-Instagram
-fantasy books
-Aika Online
-lots and lots of tea
-wool socks
-white hot chocolate
-make up
-mrpokemon and roseshock on Instagram
-losing weight and excercising XD
-writing
-walking in the Autumn weather
-Christmas spirit
-chocolate raisins
-drawing goth style



Tomorrow we're gonna celebrate Father's Day!! It's really on Sunday but we can't celebrate it then, so going over Grandma's tomorrow!

I'm saving up for a pc 'cause my current lap top isn't good for much else besides paying the bills and I can't live without Aika Online, so yeah...

Haven't been up to much, 'cause sick and don't have a good computer, so basically been watching Friends and reading.... Hopefully get something better to post here soon ;;

Oh, I'm going to do a post about this adorable little shop called Luca! Look forward to it!!

P.S. I hate that I can't use almost any marks that aren't letters in blogger....

Happiness

It's weird how life can change in an instant. I mean I always thought I can't have kids because of my mental disease, that I would never be reliable, that there would be no certainty I could take care of anyone. But there's never certainty. You could die in an instant, get hit by a car or get shot or fall down. You could be in a plane crash, be part of a bank robbery, get raped. You could lose your mind, go totally psycho. You can never be sure.
But it shouldn't mean you shouldn't have kids, shouldn't start a family, shouldn't love. You can go crazy or die any second. You should take what you can. If you love someone you should be with them, tell them that, because you're gonna regret if you don't. I'm one to talk, sure, but you shouldn't through your life away because you're not perfect. No one is. Everyone has their problems, you just need to find the one who can take it, who will stick with you no matter what you do, what you're like. So what if you have psychosis, or cancer, depression, bionic legs, eating disorder. It doesn't mean you don't deserve the same things, the same happiness. You deserve to have everything you want, so you should do everything to get it. Life's a bitch, you never know when your time is due, so take everything you can get because you'll regret later, even if you don't get it all, if you don't try you'll regret it for all eternity.

When will this fairytale get easy

I'm gonna write just in English 'cause, well, you'll read about it below.

Just a few months ago I broke up with my boyfriend and it has been really tough, especially since he won't let go. I know I should tell him to back off, but I don't want to hurt him. And his little sister, she's so young, my heart would break if I never saw her again or if she hurt because of something I did. Also I'm a coward and really selfish. The people who know me say I'm too nice, but the truth is far from it. A good example is that I let him buy tickets to Yukicon, take care of the food and buy me a quite expencive figurine. And that's just that one day. I wish I wasn't so selfish, that I wouldn't use him like that. I'm so weak and I hate it.

I moved into a hospital in the beginning of December, and I am currently living there. I might get transferred to a another unit that is more independent, I'd have my own room and I'd help with grocery shopping and making lunch etc. If I'm lucky I'll spend a year there, if not it could go to who knows how many years. And it's really expencive, so it would be really bad financially. I would have literally next to nothing money to use, which would not only mean I couldn't buy new books, clothes and stuff, but neither any kind of food. And this is the good scenario if I get more income from Kela. I really want to go to work, so much, but I can't even go to the groups at the hospital without getting really tired. Also I sleep way too much, which turns into a problem when I won't wake up in the morning and miss breakfast. If I can't get up in the morning, no way I could maintain any kind of work.

At the moment I'm also sick, slight fever, horrible head ache, coughing, throat ache and I feel natious. These are the main reasons I haven't posted. There's a computer at the hospital but I haven't had any pics so I didn't want to make a boring post. I decided to make this though so my blog wouldn't be completely dead and I feel like talking! So yeah.... the unit I might move into doesn't have a computer for the patients nor do I have my own lap top, so posting will be extremely hard.... I haven't felt much like posting anyway since I haven't had much good happening recently. I haven't met my friends almost at all, which I hate but I can't go out when sick, I don't have money for bus which makes it hard to meet at town, and the hospital makes it really hard to do much anything so I haven't had the guts to ask them....and I feel so depressed and all so often, I don't want to only talk to them when I feel bad and want to talk, but I have so rare good moments that that makes it hard to talk to them at all.... I don't want to pretend everything's okay when it's not, 'cause I don't want to lie or make them feel I don't care about them, but I don't want to sulk through a meeting either.... I hate my weakness and stupidity, I hate that I'm in this condition, I hate the most that I can't even send some of my dearest friends a stupid text message 'cause I'm afraid. I'm so afraid all the time, about everything and I don't know who I can talk to. I seriously don't know what I can do. Of course I keep pushing on, and I can't even imagine suicide, but it feels really bad and I just want to break down and cry. But I can't do even that. I keep pretending, sometimes even to myself, and I can't drop the act. I just wish it would get better.

Sorry about this rant, I didn't mean to, I just started writing and this is what happened.... At times like these I guess it's good not to have millions of readers.... And people always say you'll regret if you post something personal to internet, but I don't see how this would do so. Depression and psychotic symptoms are something I didn't choose, I can't change them and hiding them wouldn't do any good. If people will trash talk me and stuff 'cause I have a mental disease I feel sorry for them.

But yeah, now's a good time to stop and go get ready for bed. Sorry for this, and I really hope you're all doing well!! The thought that there are people who are happy makes me just a little bit less sad.